After over a year and a half here, the cheating never fails
to frustrate/surprise me. On the good days it just makes me laugh. On the bad
days it makes me blush in frustration (I really need to get over the whole
blushing thing) and tell kids off in English (although my angry Portuguese has
gotten much better, there are some situations that simply call for a flurry of
English words). I know that I’ve written about cheating at school before, but
this is my official:
TJ’s GUIDE TO CHEATING
IN MOZ
1.
Sit on your notebook. Your teacher will never
notice (they’re obviously too busy talking on their telephones or correcting
tests to properly proctor a test anyways). And blatantly staring at your lap
for an hour is completely normal
a.
When the teacher happens to notice that you are
sitting on top of your notebook (not the easiest thing to conceal from even the
least observant teacher), stall. Lie. Protest your innocence until the teacher
forces you to stand up. Then state that you were just sitting on a notebook
that happened to be for that subject – you definitely weren’t using it to
cheat.
b.
The more advanced option to sitting on your
notebook is to put your notebook down your shirt. It is unclear how useful this
method actually is, but it’s always fun to try new cheating strategies! Plus, it’s
not as though anyone will comment on the fact that suddenly your stomach is
rather rectangle-shaped.
2.
Write on your hand. And then stare at your palm
for a half an hour because you managed to smear the writing and can no longer
read what you wrote. Or (my personal favorite) write information that is
completely pointless for that particular exam. A chemistry exam on atoms and
calculating the number of protons, neutrons and electrons? You should
definitely make sure to have the definition of chemistry written on your hand,
something along the lines of A=Z+n would be completely pointless.
3.
Slip your exam review work INSIDE of your test.
There is no way your teacher will ever know that you have extra pieces of paper
on your desk (the fact that they’ve told you that you can’t even use a piece of
scratch paper is completely meaningless).
a.
When the teacher calls you out about using the
review work to cheat say that you just forgot to turn it in and that you hadn’t
even looked at the sheet.
4.
Write equations and definitions in the smallest
writing imaginable on tiny scraps of paper. Spend all the time you could have
spent studying writing tiny
notes that generally aren’t even all that useful.
a.
As soon as the teacher announces that it’s time
for the test, bring out your cheat sheet. Keep it on your desk in plain site.
b.
Crumple your cheat sheet in your hand and hold
it there during the test. If the teacher catches you, you have several options
to escape getting a zero on the test:
i. Shove
the note in your pocket (or down your shirt, in your mouth, or in your
neighbor’s sweatshirt hood – be creative!). Swear that you weren’t cheating but
mysteriously refuse to turn out your pockets
ii. Throw
the cheat sheet across the room – the teacher will spend all of her time trying
to find it and will forget who was cheating
iii. Use
the good old “it isn’t a cheat sheet senhora professora, I was just using it to
review.” Forget that you really can’t review in the middle of the test.
5.
Use classroom materials to disguise your cheat
sheet. Do you sit next to the window? Drape the curtain over your desk to cover
the note – it’s not as though something that out of the ordinary will arise
suspicion.
6.
Put your cheat sheet INSIDE your pen. Doesn’t
matter that the note will once again have to be so small as to make it
completely illegible, what matters is that you outwitted the teacher.
7.
Pass calculators back and forth with the correct
answer on them. Put the fact that not everyone can afford a calculator so
teachers have to let them share to good use!
a.
When your teacher stops letting you use a
calculator during tests, do it anyways!
8.
Talk incessantly through the entire exam. The
teacher is so old she must be going deaf. And if you speak in xitswa, she’ll
NEVER know that you’re talking (if you can’t understand a language it means
that you also can’t hear when someone is speaking).
9.
Whatever you do, don’t stop cheating, the
thrill/vague possibility of getting a better grade is worth all of the effort
and almost certainty of getting a zero
We just finished yet another semester and all of the fun
testing that goes along with it. I have mixed (yet very sarcastic) feelings
about the cheating that is so prevalent throughout the exam period – for a
large number of disciplines the students are expected to memorize insane
amounts of information with little or no actual comprehension expected, so I
can’t say that I don’t understand the motivations behind the cheating.
I’m getting ready to travel to Johannesburg to take the LSAT
and will be traversing across northern Moz towards the end of the month (we
don’t start classes again until July 22nd!), meaning that my blog posts might
be more delayed than usual. But hopefully I’ll have lots of pictures and
updates upon my return to Inhassoro. Then I have all of July to get my law
school applications put together before I head out to Minnesota. Also, I would
appreciate any finger crossing/prayers/other good luck rituals on the 11th, I
think I finally have the hang of this logic game thing, but I’m still looking
forward to never having to take another practice test!!
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